In the midst of the struggle, I remember thinking…”if my child were here right now and I had to do whatever it took to keep them alive, then I would do it without question, so why is this any different?”  I believed that I was  fighting for their life, before it even began.  Now every time I look into those blue eyes, or feel the little tug of my pantleg, or get a request for a “hug” or to “hold you”, I am so thankful that God gave me that perspective.

I keep a running prayer log of people that I know that are in that same fight.  It is such a joy when I get to mark them off of my list…because it means that they have welcomed a child into their family.  Although now, I’ve had to put some of those friends back on the list.  They are moms already, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t still contending for a child, another one. When God places a desire for a child in your heart, it is very real—whether it’s the first, third, or fifth.  So don’t say to someone, “well at least they have so and so (referring to their first child).  Although they may not be battling for their identity as a parent, they are contending for life and for their family.

The way in which a family has to fight doesn’t matter either.  The struggle is still real. I’ve seen adoptions fail or simply not come through, and the emotions are so similar to that of infertility.  You feel loss and uncertainty, and yet you cling to hope believing for that next member of the family.  It was always frustrating to me when people would flippantly say “Oh why don’t you just adopt?”  I always wanted to respond. “Really?  Because it’s that easy?” I was always open to adoption, but the process of adoption is far from clear, nor is it certain.  You have no more guarantee of getting a child through adoption than you do with trying to conceive one.  Sure agencies can give you a guarantee, but they can’t guarantee a child without a wait or  heartache.  But if your emotions can handle it, then most of the time adoption does work out.

This past week, two of my friends had miscarriages, and one of my friends admitted hopelessness after waiting for years for her adopted child — my heart aches for them. They ache for a child.  God has given them a desire, and they are answering the call to contend and believe for that child.

We all have our struggles, whether it be finances, food, infertility etc,—regardless of the battle, we cannot give up! Just as we win one battle, another one is on the horizon.  Don’t stop fighting and don’t give up hope.  You may need to rest or even take a break, but don’t give up.  In the end, it is well worth it.

Sometimes it just feels like there isn’t enough of me to go around, or maybe there just isn’t enough hours in a day, or maybe I just don’t have the energy to be superwoman. Either way, something falls short. In all of this, I recognize that I’m selfish with my time. I know I could be more efficient and more organized, and maybe it is times like this that motivate me to be just that–more than I already am. I want to be the mom and wife that takes care of everything and does it well. I know that my lack of organization annoys my husband and to some degree it baffles me as well. I’m typically an organized person, but lately it just hasn’t been high on the priority list.

I will admit it, I want to be superwoman. You know who I am talking about. The woman that has it all together, the one who manages her household, raises her kids, takes care of herself, and doesn’t even seem to bat an eye doing it. I try to be that woman, but in the end, no such woman exists. There may be women that look like they are superwoman, but they too fall short from such a title. So I’m left trying to be me. The ‘me’ that knows there is always room for improvement, but is trying desperately to find peace and contentment with who God made me to be. It is such a process of finding out just who that ‘me’ is though. I used to think I knew myself pretty well, but I really knew the ‘me’ that I wanted to be, not the original ‘me’. I knew the ‘me’ that I wanted others to see. Now in my thirties, I’m becoming more and more content discovering the ‘me’ that God made….inadequacies and all.

P.S. Note to self—Don’t forget to work out, read your bible, and FLOSS. Kristy you have to take care of yourself!

Now the AAP reports:

Recent data shows why toddlers between ages 12 and 23 months who ride rear-facing in a car safety seat are more than five times safer than those riding forward-facing in a seat.

I’m pretty sure my 20 month old would not like to be switched after riding forward for all these months. So what do you think? If you have a toddler, will you switchback to rear facing?

Recently, she started putting her hand above her head and moving her fingers . We couldn’t figure out what she was trying to tell us, until today. Savannah was showing her brother some sweet attention, and my mom said to me that I should get a picture. As I pull out the camera, Savannah starts doing her “new” sign. It was then that we realized what it meant. Every time we take a picture of Savannah, we try to get her attention at the camera. This usually entails putting our hand over the camera and snapping. All on her own, she associated picture taking with that hand motion. She understand way more than we realize!

On another note, she has now decided that she only likes to give kisses to her brother–nobody else. We don’t even have to prompt her to do it either. Several times a day she spontaneously walks over to him and kisses him. She is such a sweetheart. I’m so proud of how she is making this transition to being a big sister.

The c-section went remarkably well. Everything was calm and controlled and peaceful. I had gone with a plan to ask that he stay with me as long as possible so that I could nurse him as soon as possible. I thought this was something I was going to have to fight for, but when we arrived to pre-op, the nurses informed us that they had changed things. The baby stays in the operating room with daddy and then goes with the mom to recovery. The only downside is that family would not get to see him in the nursery soon after. I was so relieved that they recognized that it was more important for the mom and dad to spend time with their baby, especially those first few moments. As you already know what a miracle this entire pregnancy has been, even the surgery had its sign of miracle. As the doctor made her way to bring Caleb into this world, she said that “there was no internal scarring”. Later she told me that it looked as if I had never had a c-section. This is yet another sign of God’s complete healing over my body.

The first week has been wonderful. Our few days in the hospital were somewhat relaxing. It was nice to have him with us in the room, especially when we had friends and family come to visit. When we had visitors with Savannah, all we could do was show them pictures. This time they were able to meet and hold him! Although I did take the advice of several and have him stay in the nursery at night. I thought I would be one of those moms who kept him with me as much as possible. Friday night, pure exhaustion hit me and I knew that someone who was being paid to stay awake would be more attentive to him then either of us could.

Savannah first got to meet her brother on his ‘birth’ day, and was somewhat ambivalent towards him. With two sets of grandparents, new toys, and a new environment to explore, the bundle of blankets that mommy was holding wasn’t too exciting to her.

The next day she came and paid a little more attention to him this time. She actually gave him a kiss and laid her head on him to “give him a hug”. It wasn’t until we tried to get a family photo and one of us was holding Caleb that she decided this new situation wasn’t such a good idea. Eventually we were able to get a decent family pic.

We were able to walk out of the hospital on Monday WITH our baby. That first drive with a new baby is always so surreal, but it was so nice to finally be home and have my babies together.

Our first couple of nights home were kind of rough.  I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times that I was up trying to console him.  Then we figured out that he needed a much warmer environment than we had given him, so the third night was a great improvement.  Last night, I put him down at 11:00, he woke up at 3:30 to eat, and then slept until 7:30–WOW!  If only that would happen every night, but we all know that won’t be the case.

Today he went to his first doctor’s appointment and he is already back to his birth weight of 7 pounds 15 ounces, after only 7 days.  The doctor said he was perfect!  I’m glad she agrees with us.

The next morning Kyle got her up for the morning and offered her milk in her new sippy cup. She then began throwing a fit. He figured out that the previous sippy cups were see through, and she could see that it was milk. After opening the new, non-see through cup, he showed her that it was, in fact, milk. After she was given visual proof of the milk, she took to the new cup instantly.

Later in conversation about life, Kyle and I, realized just how often we do that with God. We ask for something that we really want, and when the Lord offers it to us, it usually looks differently than we expected, wanted, or are even used to. Why does it take us so long to trust that what is being offered, is in fact, what we need and ultimately want? I would hate to see what my mental fits look like to my Heavenly Father.

In the past couple of months, life has been wonderfully crazy.  Caleb will making his arrival in just a few days (Friday to be exact).  I must admit that I’m in a bit of disbelief that I’m actually having another baby.  After waiting almost 5 years to meet our Savannah, this pregnancy has flown by.  It has helped that it has been completely uneventful  and without complications.  I’ve never been this pregnant before, so it’s been fun to get to this point.  I am most looking forward to the probability that my baby will actually get to stay in the room with me this time, and we will probably get to go home together.  It will be a welcomed new experience for us all.

I must admit that my biggest concern is for my first baby, Savannah.  I know that I will love Caleb just as much, and that my love for Savannah will not be diminished, but it’s hard to grasp exactly how that all works.  I’ve already admitted that I’ll need Savannah to be a part of the process as much as possible.  I know she will be well taken care of during my few days ‘away’, but it will be me that will need to stay connected with her.  It makes me a little sad to think that she will have to share so much.  We have so much fun together, playing tea party, coloring, and creating.  I know that there will be lots more of that, but I can’t deny the fact that it will be different.  The beauty of it is that it will be different, but it will be better.  She will have a playmate, a friend, and a brother for life.

Christmas was wonderful this year.  She woke up Christmas morning and within a minute threw her milk down and raced over to see the new toys.  We spent a leisurely morning unwrapping each gift and letting her enjoy it for a while, before we moved onto the next one.  She is growing so fast!  She is saying more words and communicating a lot more.  Most of her communication is either through sign language or her own “baby language” (which includes fits and all).  She understands more than we think she does.  It always surprises us when we ask her to do something new, and she actually does it.  She is a true sweetheart though.  She loves her cuddle time and requires frequent hugs throughout the day.  The other night we were driving down the road and I looked back and told her that I loved her, and she sweetly blew me a kiss.  Those are the moments that you never want to forget and that make being a mommy the best job in the world.

I’ve talked to every mom I know to get their opinions.  They all like different things.  Through talking to moms I found that you need different strollers for different things.  There are tandem strollers (kids are seated one in front and one in back).  Tandem strollers are ideal for getting around in places with narrow aisles (most stores/malls).  I found that it’s typically a tandem stroller that has the capability to latch a carseat into. Then there are side-by-side strollers, which allow both children to sit next to each other, giving them each a good view of what’s going on.  Side-by-side strollers are ideal for travel, the zoo, the park etc.  There are a few side by side strollers that have the option of snapping in the carseat.  However, I found that most of them are brand specific–peg perego has a great twin aria but only uses peg perego carseats, same thing goes for combi. There are a couple of high end strollers that will accomodate different brands of carseats.  However, be prepared to pay a pretty penny.  After looking at all the reviews and talking to moms, I’ve decided that ‘used’ is best for me.

This past week I’ve struck two good deals.  I bought a Graco duo glider stroller at a garage sale for $15.  It’s a tandem stroller that will accomodate the Graco carseat that I already have.  Then on Craigslist I found a Maclaren Techno Twin for a third of the price!  It’s a lightweight, side by side stroller that will be good for the long haul.

When considering double strollers, be sure to consider weight (some of them are almost 50 pounds), maneuverability, and of course price.  Each stroller has it’s pros and cons, so I realized that it would be best for me to have options at an affordable price.  That is why I opted to go for a couple of used strollers instead of saving up for one brand new stroller. Although I would still love to have a Phil and Ted’s.  It’s a tandem stroller that gets rave reviews, but it’s a bit pricey.  You never know though, maybe I’ll find a good deal somewhere! When we were in D.C., Kyle made fun of me for looking at everybody’s strollers.  I simply replied, “You look at cars, and I look at strollers”.  He didn’t make fun of me anymore after that.

This week Kyle’s been out of town and both of our playdates cancelled, so by lunchtime today I was ready for some real conversation.  My mom and dad agreed to meet us for lunch at Logan’s.  If you haven’t tried it already, you have to try the Kickin’ Chicken Logan’s salad–it is delicious! After a few minutes, Savannah decided that she didn’t want to sit at the table anymore.  Then the crying began.  This is the moment that you feel completely responsible for controlling your child, but you know that it may not be pretty.  I’m up for the challenge, so I take her to the bathroom.  When we get back to the table, she immediately looks to Mimi to save her.  As my mom is holding her, one of the waitresses comes up to the table, puts her arms forward as if she is going to pick up my daughter and says to Savannah, “Do you want to walk around?” Savannah is still crying and fussing, she then goes to offer her ice cream.  I’m in a bit of shock, but somehow managed to say, “No thank you she is fine.”

What?  You have got to be kidding me.  First of all, who goes to pick up a child that you don’t even know and offer to walk her around?  Secondly, who offers a child ice cream without asking the mom first? Why did she think it was her job to console my child.  At the time Savannah needed discipline, not consoling.  It was the first time that I felt the “village” trying to help me raise my child–and I did not like it at all.  I know this was just one individual exerting herself, but this lady was pushing my limit.  After another trip to the bathroom, Savannah found her patience to sit at the table and enjoy the rest of the meal. Maybe I should get a hat to wear next time, that says, ” I know my child is having an issue right now, but I’m dealing with it, and I would appreciate it if you would just leave us alone and not give her MORE attention. Thanks!”