As a mom frantically tries to check out while her child is screaming and throwing a fit, I stood nearby and thought to myself, “I would never allow my child to behave like that”.  Years later, I found myself being that mom.  I was embarrassed. I was frustrated.  But I knew in that moment that there was nothing I could do about it. I felt the looks of frustration by onlookers, as I tried to calm the screaming monkey in my arms and check out all at once. But then something remarkable happened, the woman behind me offered to help.  Her offer of compassion and empathy helped me hold back the tears and gave me the strength to get my kids and groceries out of the store without having a complete meltdown myself.

We’ve all been there–both as an onlooker and as the mom. Maybe it isn’t the tantrum child at the store that brings judgment to mind, but we’ve all thought

Well, I would never

My child wouldn’t

I can’t believe she……

How come she just doesn’t……

Often it’s not until you see yourself in a similar situation that you find a different perspective, a more gracious and understanding perspective. Now I find myself saying

Well I actually might consider that….

I can’t believe my child is…

I can’t believe I did ……

I want to see this change, but it just hasn’t made it to the top of the priority list yet.

There are a lot of opinions about what this journey of motherhood should look like, our hope is to not be, yet another voice that is telling you how to do this.  Grace for moms is a place for you to be encouraged, be challenged, and join in on the conversations that are intended to help us be better moms, and all the while know that there is grace in the process.

We called Britt’knee and after gathering as much information as we could, we began the adoption process of a 2 year old girl named Elizabeth.  Britt’knee was a teenager herself, and said that she was diagnosed with leukemia.  This is why she said she needed to find a permanent home for her daughter.  We completed our home study, we talked with lawyers, and in the meantime decided that we would try one more infertility treatment.  Thankfully we got pregnant with our miracle Savannah.  But we still held out hope for Elizabeth.   We went and visited Britt’knee twice.  Each time we asked to meet Elizabeth, but for various reasons we were never able to meet her.  I held onto the pictures that I was given, and my heart ached for this little girl. Through MANY conversations with Britt’knee, it seemed apparent that both Britt’knee and Elizabeth needed stability.  We offered our home, and prepared it for their arrival.  I bought clothes, bedding, toys…I wanted to be as ready as I could be for an almost 3 year old.  Britt’knee said she would move here, and then last minute, she decided to go live with her sister instead.  It was then that I began to accept the fact that Britt’knee didn’t really want to give her daughter up.  I accepted it and moved on.

By this time, Savannah was in my arms, so it was a little easier to accept that Elizabeth wasn’t meant to be part of our family. It was still difficult though.  I had fallen in love with this little girl, but I trusted that God had a plan for her as well.

Britt’knee’s story sounded like a stretch and never really lined up.  I had confronted her several times, but it always ended with her shutting down.  I knew that Britt’knee wasn’t telling the whole truth, but I held onto the fact that no matter what reasons Britt’knee would give, if she had a daughter that needed a home, then I was willing to put faith in the situation for Elizabeth’s sake. Britt’knee never asked us for anything, so it was hard to believe that she had anything to gain from the situation except a home for her daughter.

Fast forward 3 years, and Britt’knee comes back in the picture.  Again, she is asking us to adopt her daughter.  We were much more cautious this time around.  I asked for a birth certificate before we proceeded with anything.  We contacted a lawyer in her hometown to help facilitate the situation as a third party.   Then an angel came into the picture.  For the first time in three years I had contact with someone who interacted with Britt’knee in person.  As Elisa and I continued to ask questions, we found ourselves with fewer and fewer answers.  We determined that together we needed to get to the bottom of this.

Elisa was on the frontline with Britt’knee, and I was behind the scenes researching and gathering information.  We determined that we had to have a birth certificate to verify that Britt’knee actually had a daughter.  We had the form ready and filled out for Britt’knee to request an official birth certificate.  Britt’knee insisted that she already had one that would work.  Then I decided to call the school that Britt’knee had told me Elizabeth was attending.  I spoke with the guidance counselor, who obviously wasn’t allowed to give me information about kids attending her school.  When she heard my story, she was able to verify that there was no child with that name in the entire school district.  Then I called the state birth certificate office and spoke with the adoption specialist.  She also couldn’t give out information, however, she was able to confirm that there wasn’t a child named Elizabeth born on the birthdate we were given.

The story gets much more sorted and unbelievable, but I was determined to get the proof I needed to confront Britt’knee.  After further investigation and random calls and e-mails to strangers, I finally found the truth I had been looking for. Britt’knee was lying about everything.  By now, her church was involved, so I passed the information I had found, so that they could deal with it appropriately.

The church leadership had asked Britt’knee to make a public apology, and coincidentally, we were going to be vacationing just an hour away the same week.  So I left Kyle and the kids and drove an hour away to come face to face with Britt’knee.  The drive to this small town was a divine appointment.  As I drove, I remembered it all-the conversations, the trips, the gifts, the hopes, the tears, and ultimately the dream that Elizabeth would be part of our family. I realized that I wasn’t just lied to, I was conned. Once I accepted that, I began the process of letting it all go.

I arrived at the church and tried to not see Britt’knee.  Ironically, I didn’t want to make things harder for her while she was preparing to make a public apology. She stood up in front of the congregation and apologized for lying to everyone.  The pastor had several women pray with Britt’knee afterwards, and it was then that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me it was time to make my presence known.  I walked to the front of the church and waited until Britt’knee opened her eyes.  Needless to say, I think she was surprised to see me there.  She told me she was sorry. God gave me a chance to face the situation.  I had a choice to either confront her or forgive her.  I could have vented my feelings, frustrations, and opinions and then judged whether or not Britt’knee was truly repentant or not, but that wasn’t why God had brought me to this point.   I hugged her and told her that I hoped that she meant it and then I then forgave her.

I was able to talk with her after the service, but by then, I knew my purpose for coming was completed.   I have learned a lot through all of this, and my journey to confront Britt’knee was no different.  Forgiveness is a choice and it isn’t dependent on how sorry or repentant a person is.  God calls us to forgive because we have been forgiven, not because someone is repentant.  Granted if someone isn’t repentant, then that may come with new boundaries in the relationship, but all in all, forgiveness is our choice to give.  It really is true…the truth sets us free!  Now I’m truly free from the entire situation.  I may never know why God had us walk through all of that, or why I didn’t discover the truth earlier, but I do know this–God had my back through it all.

In the midst of the struggle, I remember thinking…”if my child were here right now and I had to do whatever it took to keep them alive, then I would do it without question, so why is this any different?”  I believed that I was  fighting for their life, before it even began.  Now every time I look into those blue eyes, or feel the little tug of my pantleg, or get a request for a “hug” or to “hold you”, I am so thankful that God gave me that perspective.

I keep a running prayer log of people that I know that are in that same fight.  It is such a joy when I get to mark them off of my list…because it means that they have welcomed a child into their family.  Although now, I’ve had to put some of those friends back on the list.  They are moms already, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t still contending for a child, another one. When God places a desire for a child in your heart, it is very real—whether it’s the first, third, or fifth.  So don’t say to someone, “well at least they have so and so (referring to their first child).  Although they may not be battling for their identity as a parent, they are contending for life and for their family.

The way in which a family has to fight doesn’t matter either.  The struggle is still real. I’ve seen adoptions fail or simply not come through, and the emotions are so similar to that of infertility.  You feel loss and uncertainty, and yet you cling to hope believing for that next member of the family.  It was always frustrating to me when people would flippantly say “Oh why don’t you just adopt?”  I always wanted to respond. “Really?  Because it’s that easy?” I was always open to adoption, but the process of adoption is far from clear, nor is it certain.  You have no more guarantee of getting a child through adoption than you do with trying to conceive one.  Sure agencies can give you a guarantee, but they can’t guarantee a child without a wait or  heartache.  But if your emotions can handle it, then most of the time adoption does work out.

This past week, two of my friends had miscarriages, and one of my friends admitted hopelessness after waiting for years for her adopted child — my heart aches for them. They ache for a child.  God has given them a desire, and they are answering the call to contend and believe for that child.

We all have our struggles, whether it be finances, food, infertility etc,—regardless of the battle, we cannot give up! Just as we win one battle, another one is on the horizon.  Don’t stop fighting and don’t give up hope.  You may need to rest or even take a break, but don’t give up.  In the end, it is well worth it.

Today the Lord has gently reminded me that my vision has become a bit blurry again.  This time it’s not my physical eyes, but my spiritual eyes.  You know when you focus your eyes on one thing too long, your peripheral visions blurs? Well that is kind of what has happened to me.

Three separate situations came across my path today, and they each made me look outside my own little world.  The first was a conversation I had with my doctor.  We were talking about medical missions trips, and just how challenging it is to come back to America after witnessing such patience, joy, and gratitude amongst such difficult conditions.  It was a reminder to me that my call to the needy is not complete. Secondly, someone posted a comment about being speechless after watching a late night show.  Of course, curiosity set in and I watched it.  Beyond mere confusion, I was reminded of how our culture has become increasingly comfortable with worldly pleasure.  The third situation  is a friend of mine going through a difficult situation.  I feel so powerless to help her.  I want to take away the pain and uncertainty she is facing, but all I can truly offer are my prayers and words of encouragement.

All of these situations challenged me to see differently today, and to look beyond my own little world to see the struggles that surround me.  I confess.  I, too often and too quickly,  get caught up in my own world.  I see what I want to see.  But everyday God gives me opportunities to widen my focus and see more clearly.

Ironically, I’m finally getting to fulfill a dream of having my physical eyes fixed so that I no longer need contacts and glasses.  (Yay for the technological advances of Lasik)!  I’m giddy about the idea of actually being able to see the clock in the middle of the night.  Unfortunately, it is only a physical fix.  Just as I’ve grown accustomed to depending on my contacts for visual accuracy, I want to become dependent on God for spiritual clarity.  I want to change the way I see.

Several times I’ve tried to define the relationship with my blog.  Will I be a nurse blog? Maybe a mommy blog?  Should I review products?  In the end, I realize that I’m no MckMama, or Pioneer Woman, or Bring the Rain, or NieNie—(all blogs that I’ve been inspired by in more ways than one), but all I am is me. It’s that simple.  I’ve worried far too long about who is reading this, trying to get people to read this, or what people really think about it.   Ironically, it’s similar to real life–the desire to be popular, understood, and known often taint the true version of ourselves.   I make no promises about the direction or the frequency of this blog, but I promise this–my blog will be a reflection of me.  So here’s to new beginnings!

Sometimes it just feels like there isn’t enough of me to go around, or maybe there just isn’t enough hours in a day, or maybe I just don’t have the energy to be superwoman. Either way, something falls short. In all of this, I recognize that I’m selfish with my time. I know I could be more efficient and more organized, and maybe it is times like this that motivate me to be just that–more than I already am. I want to be the mom and wife that takes care of everything and does it well. I know that my lack of organization annoys my husband and to some degree it baffles me as well. I’m typically an organized person, but lately it just hasn’t been high on the priority list.

I will admit it, I want to be superwoman. You know who I am talking about. The woman that has it all together, the one who manages her household, raises her kids, takes care of herself, and doesn’t even seem to bat an eye doing it. I try to be that woman, but in the end, no such woman exists. There may be women that look like they are superwoman, but they too fall short from such a title. So I’m left trying to be me. The ‘me’ that knows there is always room for improvement, but is trying desperately to find peace and contentment with who God made me to be. It is such a process of finding out just who that ‘me’ is though. I used to think I knew myself pretty well, but I really knew the ‘me’ that I wanted to be, not the original ‘me’. I knew the ‘me’ that I wanted others to see. Now in my thirties, I’m becoming more and more content discovering the ‘me’ that God made….inadequacies and all.

P.S. Note to self—Don’t forget to work out, read your bible, and FLOSS. Kristy you have to take care of yourself!

On a side note, when we were first married, I remember my husband telling me that I needed a cell phone. He had one, so I didn’t see the point in having one, because we could just share right? Well we all know how that worked out. Now I talk on the phone more than him, and I wonder why we even have a house phone.

Anyway, back to the iphone…I love organization, but my perfectionism often prevents me from finding the ‘perfect’ way to organize. Recipes are one of those things that I have yet to figure out how to keep organized…but not electronically. MacGourmet is a software system that categorizes recipes and allows you to ‘clip’ new recipes. You can then plan your meals and it will create a shopping list for you. Pretty sweet…except sometimes I never take the time to actually do it. The good news is that macgourmet has an app for my phone. It syncs with my computer automatically. So now all my recipes and shopping lists are on my phone!

I also utilize Allrecipes.com quite often. Just this week Allrecipes.com came out with a dinner spinner app. Not only does it give you access to all of its recipes, but it also allows you to choose your categories and your time allowances, and it will give you recipe matches. How sweet is that!