I must admit that yesterday was a difficult day. I realized that I had been busying myself the past 2 days, and I finally slowed down. I was taking Christmas decorations down, and somehow found myself extremely emotional. I’m sure there is some correlation between acknowledging Christmas as over and simultaneously acknowledging this pregnancy as over.
I know that God has given me a peace of mind-I know that we will get pregnany again, I know that this was all in God’s plan, I know all of those things, but….
my heart is broken. I’ve not only lost the hope of pregnancy and having a baby in nine months, but I’ve lost my first child. It’s a child that I will never hold, a child that I will never even see his/her face-and not just any child, but our child.
I know that God will make me whole again, but in the meantime I’m giving myself permission to grieve. It’s alright to cry and to feel sad, and even at times to be angry, as long as I am always bringing my emotions in line with my peace. And that I believe is the process of true healing for me.
Kyle and I spent New Year’s babysitting, which meant we basically sat on the couch together and watched the ball drop-obviously not very exciting or very momentous, but I thing that we both were okay with a somewhat boring strike of the New Year. However, we awoke this morning and went over to our friend’s house for breakfast. We relaxed, ate, took naps, and then decided we were hungry again. So then the whole group moved to someone else’s house for pizza. After a while of hanging out there, we decided it was time for a movie, so everyone packed up and headed to our house for a movie and taco soup. By the end of the day, we had a spontaneous all-day progressive New Year’s that included three different homes and three meals. I don’t think we could have planned it if we tried, but somehow it became one of the sweetest and most enjoyable New Year’s Day’s that I can remember.
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