In the past 13+ months, there have been several moments that have just hit me like a ton of bricks saying, “You are a mom!” Today was one big moment, that actually started about 2am. She went to bed as usual, then as the night progressed, her stirrings and fussy moments increased. At 10pm, I went to check on her and she was burning up. After a dose of Motrin and some cuddle time, it was back to bed. Until 2am that is! I checked on her at 2 and by the time I had gotten to her, she was back asleep. This was not the case at 3 however. Once I finally got her settled back to sleep, I couldn’t sleep! (BTW, what’s up with that? You would think that there should be something pre-wired in a mom’s brain that allows us to go straight to sleep in times like this.) I have a sneaky suspicion that the source of all this pain and discomfort is one very stubborn front tooth!
Anyway, just about the time I fell asleep, she woke up. By now it’s 5am, and I’m pretty sure the whole house is awake. Kyle took over for a bit, and I was able to get a little more sleep. But what mom can sleep through her crying baby in the next room? A number of other events ensued over the course of the morning that made me wish we could start the whole day over somehow. Kyle and I,both in a stupor, just looked at each other and commented, “it is what it is”.
I must say this has been one of the hardest days of motherhood thus far. Nothing seemed to help. One position would work, and then a moment later it wouldn’t. This was the case with every toy, cup, piece of food that was given to her. She wouldn’t eat and she would barely drink her milk. Most of the day, was spent with her cuddled on my chest. It was one of the hardest days because it was the most heartbreaking. She would be so frustrated and upset, and then look at me with tears in her eyes asking for help. Her entire life I have been able to figure out what she needed and meet that need. I know that I was able to offer some comfort and ease some of the pain, but I couldn’t make it go away. It was the first time that I really felt her having to grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve closely watched her grow physically and developmentally, but today was an emotional milestone. Today she began to learn that the world will not always be fair or safe, or even comforting.
I hope and pray that as she discovers the reality of our world, she also discovers the greatest truth of all, that the Lord will always be there for her. Even when mommy or daddy can’t “fix” it, that God is her source, her strength, and her comforter. Today, as a mom, I’m learning to lean into this same truth even more. Her pain is my pain, and today I’m thankful that I have the Lord to be our comfort.