Today has been hard. I’m not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I’ve been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can’t ignore.
I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I’m probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.
I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don’t, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I’m not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn’t think it was going to be this hard.