The hardest part now is waiting. I was reminded of a very profound word that my little sister was given years ago in the midst of a trial- “The whole earth is a waiting room”. Just when we think we have arrived, there will be something else that we are wanting and waiting for. While driving into work yesterday I prayed that God would give me strength to not break down-and He did. I was able to work and not wallow in my sorrow. Everyone’s response has been so sweet. Although I am reminded that when someone is grieving the last thing they need is a pep talk. What has comforted me most is understanding. So thank you to everyone who has cried with us, prayed for us, and is still hoping with us. My pastor called us when he heard the news and was genuinely sad with us. One thing he said that really struck me as true was “this isn’t a miscarriage, this is losing a baby”. I keep thinking about the word miscarriage and I don’t really identify with it, but I do identify with losing a baby.
We received the blood results yesterday, and the results were less than optimal and confirming the doctor’s prognosis.
For so long I have struggled with this whole idea of faith and healing, and Monday night as I wept before the Lord, I realized that faith is really about surrender, trusting God that His will is best even when we don’t understand it. Yes I would love to just believe that the doctor is wrong and my baby is fine, but without accepting the possibility of a different outcome then I’m denying the process. Believe me, I am totally open and asking for God to do a miracle for this baby, but I’m also open for God to maybe having a different plan. If this baby makes it, it will be a miracle baby. The promises He has given me are still true. Hannah went on to have several children after Samuel, and I will too.
My husband has been such a rock for me. There was a moment on Monday when I thought-it’s this kind of stuff that really shows what we are made of. My husband is made of tenderness and strength. He has comforted me and is truly carrying me through this. I know that he sacrifices some of his process for my sake, because I see him loving me more than himself.
We arrived home last night-so now we can enjoy the comforts and closeness of family. Some might think that news like this the week of Christmas is worse, but I’m glad that it’s a time to celebrate and do all things I love most.