Emotions are such a complex thing. God created them as part of who we are. We experience so much of life through emotions. I have felt the joy of seeing my child for the first time, and inversely experienced the sorrow of losing one (actually three through miscarriages). I have never wanted to be considered overly emotional. It used to drive me crazy when women would use their hormones to excuse their incredibly emotional behavior. I recognize that emotions are often the warnings of what is really going on. So I value their place, however I don’t like to be ruled by them.
I had one of those mornings that just didn’t start out right. It started out overly emotional at 4am. I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing with worries and anxieties, some of which were warranted and others were not. I finally succummbed to my wakefulness and got out of bed. After perusing the computer for a bit, I knew I was up for prayer. Life has felt a bit stressful lately. There is not ‘one’ thing to blame it on, but it is definitely a culmination of things. My husband would say that this year has been the hardest so far. If I had to be honest, the “life is hard” stage probably started in 2006. It was that year that we began earnestly trying to have a baby and in the process lost two. All the while, I was working a job that was incredibly taxing emotionally (I worked at the fertility clinic that I was being treated at), and it consumed my life. It was also that year that my husband had left his steady paycheck job to embark on starting a business, leaving me the primary breadwinner for a while. We were also planning our move to Nashville, which involved uprooting our lives in Orlando. Then came 2007, it was definitely a blessed year, but it didn’t come without its hardships. We moved, I became a homemaker (thus shifting all the financial stress to my husband), built a house, had a complicated pregnancy with a premature delivery, and became a mom. Again, I must stress that this was one of the most blessed years of my life, but it didn’t come easy. I was hopeful that the year 2008 would be settling and peaceful.
It is September already, and I feel as if I’m still fighting for that peace. I’m realizing that part of my problem is that I’ve allowed my circumstances to determine my level of peace. I listened to a friend the other night say how easy it is to have faith when things are easy and are looking good. Then life hit hard, and now his faith and trust are being tested. This was such a reminder to me that God is more concerned with my character than He is with my circumstances. It is through circumstances that He is shaping my character.
I tend to feel the pain and stress of those around me. My heart breaks with them and I just want to make it all better. However, it’s not in my power to do so. Because I feel powerless to help, I tend to not push in and suppress any emotions that I may be having. I recognize that this isn’t healthy or helpful. I’m learning. I know that the circumstances described above are not unique nor are they dramatic, but they are the circumstances of my life.
One of my favorite life verses is Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Through it all I’m learning how dearly God loves me!